Tuesday, March 27, 2007

{Yao} Throw some D's on that bitch!

Oh hello ladies and gents. You thought I was Lost in Asia but I finally have a semi-permanent address in Japan and will be bringing you the latest gossip NOW WITH HQ (as in, I tried my best with photoshop and a digicam) PICTURES.

Because I'm supposed to be writing a 50 page academic essay I natrually am not so here's a post:

    The popular SEVENTEEN model cum actress Suzuki Emi has been up to some Johnny's banging - but not the regular type of Johnny's banging, no folks, this type of banging includes consequences.
    Okay, so when I say consequences I mean STDs...or STIs or whatever the hell they're called now.

    "The models at that time were really obvious about their relationships. They mostly dated Johnny's talents, and Suzuki Emi often went out on go-cons. And it may be surprising, but no one really seemed to care about STDs. Comments like, "I got another STD, oops" would often be heard in conversations. Suzuki Emi was called a "Johnny Eater" even amongst (the models who often dated Johnnys)." - A Seventeen Model, quoted from Naispo

    The article doesn't say which Johnnys but let's just safely assume it's everybody, especially the JE member you're most ~*~in love with~*~
    But anyway, I guess the reason why Suzuki Emi is able to keep her anorexically skinny figure is because she's banging yr fvrt Johnny right now as we speak and giving him chlamydia that she got from that Kitayama guy.

    Somebody please take Suzuki Emi's head and paste it on that animated gif of crabs coming out of Paris Hilton's crotch.


    Hay guys you should go to the forums and tell me who you think has STDs in JE

    When Japanese people label things 'dangerous' (raw fish, gaijin, jaywalking, running in hallways, etc) they actually just mean 'delicious.' Here are some names you might be called if you were these following celebs:

    Nakatani Miki: Always with some different girl in some sports club in Aoyama, linking arms and looking shady. W/e do your thing, as long as you're not having sex in public bathrooms during business hours.

    Mean Girls
    Ueto Aya: Rumor has it that she kicked out her costar, Takahashi Mariko, from the set of Attention Please! What can I say, bitches get stitches.
    Sawajiri Erika: Do I even need to explain this? Well let me at least update you on her latest antics. She was supposed to appear with her 'teammate' Saeco on the variety show "Aidoru Michi," but she kicked her out of the show because of an apparent tussle over a ~*~man~*~.
    Morning Musume: Ex-MM member from the first round Fukada Asuka said that she was repeatedly ignored by the other 4 members. Wahght, w/e, if I were a MM member and I hated some bitch in my group I'd just replace her shampoo with Nair and also steal her boyfriend. If I were in showbiz all these articles would be about me and not Sawaeri.

    Bad B.O.
    Yonekura Ryoko: Apparently her B.O. is so bad that she only wears each article of clothing once. Damn that must suck if this were true because what are you going to do when you have to go to somehwere classy and need something over $6000?
    Also Kimutaku is apparently famous for bad BO.

    Ex-Yankee (Note: yes, this is bad if you're Japanese)
    Nakashima Mika: Used to fight, extort money, steal etc. I mean look at her, she's obv possessed by the devil and had that awful reggae period. She totally screams "I have several knives hidden in my clothing." Yuka and Suzuki Sarina also probably ex-yankees.

    Uehara Takako: No wai!!! Rumors are that she's still banging Jin and that she's also a nympho.

    Plastic Surgery
    Nagasawa Masami, Ito Misaki, Ebi-chan, Hamasaki Ayumi, Kuraki Mai, Hitomi etc. aka everybody beautiful plus the obvious plastic surgery addict Ayu. If this is true, I want Hitomi's plastic surgery because she's the most gorgeous imo.

    Breast Implants!
    Hoshino Aki, Goto Maki, Kumada Youko. None of y'all bitches have real titties!

  • Monday, March 26, 2007

    It's been a long time.. we shouldn't have left you (left you) without a dope beat to step to...




    Don't you hate it when you show up to a party/club and some bitch is wearing the exact same thing as you? Actually, that's never happened to us because our style is ~light years~ ahead of the rest of the people in Orlando, Florida, but I'm sure it's really tragic. And it happens to stars, too! I mean, it could be because they're all wearing the same trendy designer bullshit, but still. Still. Let's take a look at some examples....

    Ebihara Yuri vs. Henmi Emiri
    We'll make this one easy because it's the first one-- look at Ebi-chan's shoes. That's all I gotta say, kids.

    Winner: Henmi Emiri!!!!!!!! Those brown peep toes are sooo cuty.

    Fujiwara Norika vs. (my bb) Takeuchi Yuko
    Says Jousei Seven: "Newly divorced" vs "Newly married": A wife's best friend is her St. Laurent." Shit, at 159,000 yen, it had better be. I'm tempted to give the prize to Yuko just because I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but let's face it, she's not even wearing makeup and Norika, overexposed as she may be, did accessorize quite nicely with those sunglasses.

    Winner: Fujiwara Norika!!!!


    Hasegawa Kyoko Vs. Karina

    Don't look at the dress, fools-- they're both wearing the same shoes! I don't know, this is just a pair of ugly shoes, and I'm feeling mean. I mean, circular metal pieces, straps, AND a gross ribbon? Not to mention they're both wearing the completely wrong dress for them. With shoes as tacky as those, you really need a Koda Kumi-caliber dress (or lack of one) to really work that. These looks are just frumpy as shit.

    Winner: BOTH LOSE!!!!


    Hamasaki Ayumi vs. Koda Kumi

    Ultimate Diva Battle! Both are wearing the same 600,000 yen Emanuel Ungaro dress. Ayu, pictured in her 2005 calendar has the leg up (literally) on her competition. Diamond necklace, bracelet, earrings, and a cute updo make this ugly dress at least look pretty damn elegant. Koda Kumi, shown at this years' Jewelry Best Dresser (what?) Award, is wearing this dress awkwardly in the chest and with a completely wrong hairstyle. Also seeing this little of her body is slightly unsettling. She looks like the 'smart' girl from high school on her prom night, hoping she's gonna lose her virginity to the football captain. So close, but just not enough. Also, she has an ugly face.

    Winner: Ayumi Hamasaki!!!!


    Mary Kate Olsen vs. Tsumabuki Satoshi vs. Nakata Hidetoshi

    If you're gonna blow 32,000 yen on something, please let it be this McQ by Alexander McQueen scarf. In any color. You will automatically become a rock-star.

    Winner: EVERYONE!!!!


    Kusanagi Tsuyoshi vs. Ichiro

    Mr. Kusanagi, come on. You're a Best Jeanest Hall Of Famer, but you can't even get a sweater right? It's way too big and looks like something pirated you buy on Canal St. for 15 bucks, not a 60,000 yen Lucien Pellat-Finet cashmere sweater. Not that Ichiro is doing any better with the whole ugly hat thing, but at least his fits. And he's not balding yet, either.

    Winner: Ichiro!!!!!

    Cast your vote in the Forums!

    Sunday, March 04, 2007

    {VERONICA} I knew this was coming, but i forgot all about it.


    On Saturday, Utada Hikaru posted a message on her official webpage informing fans that her divorce to artist/director Kiriya Kazuaki had been finalized after almost five years of marriage. She apologizes for the sudden notice and blames the split on mounting lack of communication and time together. Kiriya posted his statement on the same site. Famous people always spout this bullshit, don't they? Marriage is a job too! With Hikaru now on the market, I'm interested to see who she'll date next. Hopefully eeeeeveryone! Remember, this bitch got married at 22 (or 19, which only proves my point further). She probably hasn't even fucked anyone else besides him. Come on Hikki, it's time to party it up! Just not with my man Nagase Tomoya, I will kill you.

    Interestingly enough, on the same day, Hikki's parents, also announced their split in matrimony. But this is also the seventh time they're divorced, so everyone was kind of over it anyhow and went about their business as usual.

    Talk about this in the forums!

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